Freedom from Fear

If you know me at all, you know that I can be fearful of a lot of things. Spiders, confrontation, humans in general, spiders, staying out after 10 pm, reptiles, putting myself out there, small talk, spiders (I really hate spiders), there’s a lot that can send me into fear. Two of my biggest fears punched me straight in the face last week and I had to face them: vomit and flying.

On Tuesday last week, the kiddo woke up from his nap and had gotten sick in his bed. I wasn’t overly concerned because he does this every so often when he gets too hot and he had played hard in the heat before he lay down. But after he took a bath and had his milk, he got sick again. That has never happened so I was a little worried and called his mama to let her know. I get off the phone with her and he gets sick again, there was no denying that he had caught a bug. For the safety of his newborn sister and his mama, he stayed with us. You’re probably thinking, “big whoop, the kid got sick and stayed the night. Who cares?” No one, probably, BUT I do not handle vomit well. At all.

If I even think that I hear the beginnings of someone getting sick, I run as fast as I can to get as far away from that person as possible. I don’t like the noise, the smell, knowing what it feels like, any of it! It sends me into a full on anxiety attack. I can’t focus or breathe and I somehow make the situation worse. But let me tell y’all, there’s no way I could run away from this little boy as he was sick. Every time it happened he just cried and would yell, ” I want my KK! I want my KK!’. It was heart wrenching to see and hear him cry so hard and know that he didn’t feel well and all he wanted was comfort from me. There was no running away, no matter how much I wanted to. There was no covering my ears, because I had to rub his back and assure him he’d be alright. There was no time to freak out, because he mattered and matters way more than my own personal issues.

I hated every second of that boy being sick. There was nothing I could do except comfort him in his pain, wipe his tears away, and clean him up after each time it happened. And it made me think a lot about how Christ does that for us. In our ugliest and darkest moments, He’s there to wipe those tears away, clean up the mess, and comfort us in our pain.

But then on Friday, I found myself up early to get to the airport so that I could spend the weekend with some of my friends in New Orleans. Flying makes me a nervous wreck, the unexpected rough air that shakes the plane in the slightest, the speed of take off, the speed when landing, it all just makes me twitch and sweat, and I just wait for the plane to fall out of the sky and Jesus to take me home.

As I was in the middle seat near the back of a plane, squished between an older man sleeping against the window, a girl about my age listening to some rap, and reading my book, the sun began to shine through the window. I looked over at the light on the book and smiled. In that moment of trying to calm myself down by reading and a million scenarios going through my head about how I wouldn’t make it, there was the sun on my book and I heard this whisper through my soul. “Katelyn, don’t you trust me? I’ve got you. I’m never going to leave you or forsake you. Trust in Me.” And I was filled with such peace at 30,000 feet in the air. I looked out the window at the world below and was in awe.

When it comes to planes, there’s nothing I can do if something goes wrong. I can’t suddenly take over, I can’t jump out the window (I could but, you get it), I can’t hide in my seat, if the plane goes down, then it’s over. And I was amazed at the amount of trust you’ve got to have that the pilot will safely get you to your destination. The amount of trust we have to have that he won’t flip the plane or send us straight into a storm. It’s blind and terrifying and it doesn’t make sense. We’re trusting in someone we haven’t seen or known to safely get us to our destination.

And I think sometimes that’s the way our faith is. There are seasons and moments of life where we can’t see what He’s doing. We’re anxious and terrified of the things that are happening, but at the center of it all, there He is. He’s there leading the way, guiding us to each destination, and pleading with us to trust that He’ll take care of us. And it’s moments like those where we just have to say, “I can’t see it, God. I don’t know what you’re doing or what is going to come of this, but help me to trust you.”

I’ve had to say this a lot, especially this weekend and the past several weeks. I’ve been so discouraged and anxious and angry and worn out. I’m longing for the things that haven’t happened yet but I’m trying to trust that they will. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that He’s leading and paving the way for me. He’s leading and paving the way for you!

I can’t help but think that the Lord had me face these fears of mine back to back for multiple reasons. I’ve felt closer to Him in this last week than I have in a while. There’s such a freedom that comes from fully trusting Him and facing your fears. I know that no matter what, all I have is Him. I know that one day sickness and sorrow will be no more, so with every sickness, I know that it won’t last forever. I know that our views from 30,000 feet in the air are only a sliver of what God sees. And it’s beautiful and comforting to know that He is in control of it all and that He created it.

I faced my biggest fears this week. And while I’m ready to get back on a plane and see the world from those skies, I’m not quite ready to catch vomit in a shirt again. But maybe in time I’ll be ready for it all. Our God is big and mighty and powerful and trustworthy and in control and I pray you’ll take comfort in that this week! I know I will. I love you, friends. I’m praying that you put all of your trust in the One who died to know you.