When November Comes Around

Hello November! Here begins a season of craziness, a season of joy, a season of reflection, a season of continuing grief. I really do love the holidays, but when November begins, the memories set in.

November 13, is my Mom’s birthday. This year she would’ve been 60 years old and I’ve been catching myself thinking about the party we would’ve thrown. We’d probably make jokes about her being over the hill, there would be a ton of unsweet tea and Diet Coke’s to drink, and wherever we would have the party it would be overflowing with the people who loved her. It would’ve been a beautiful time celebrating a woman who was beautiful, strong, caring, and loved Jesus more than anything. When November comes, I find myself missing Mom more and more.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner after her birthday. I could go on for days and days about my love for Thanksgiving! The food, the people, the turkey, the laughter, the pumpkin pie, the family time, oh, did I mention the food? I really love Thanksgiving. But Thanksgiving brings a little bit of sorrow too. When I look around the room and see the people that I love, I’m also hit with the realization that some aren’t there anymore. They’ve gone home to be with the Lord or there’s been so much family drama that they refuse to come. And while I’m grateful for the people that are there, my heart breaks a little each year for the ones that aren’t.

Novembers can be hard, but then December hits. There’s so much excitement in the air for Christmas. We see trees around town, lights hung up and shining through the night, Christmas music everywhere we go. It’s an exciting time for young and old and you feel it wherever you go! But December also bring the memories of hospitals and surgeries and “She’ll be home tomorrow.” And then the worst of the memories hit.

I remember it all too well. My sisters and I were dancing around our living room on that December morning. Dad was at the hospital with Mom and it was just the three of us getting excited for Christmas together. The tree was lit up with its multicolored lights, we were jumping from couch to couch, Christmas music blasting, laughing and having the best time. We’re still goofing off when we see a familiar car pull up in our drive way. It was Aunt Kay. She slowly walked up the stairs, got to the door, and we swung it open all giggly and excited to see her. But something was wrong, we could see it clear across her face. I don’t remember her exact words, I’m not even sure I want to remember. But she basically told us to get dressed so that we could go to the hospital, our dad had just called and said that Mom wasn’t going to be here much longer. I remember it all being a blur, the getting dressed, getting in the car, having it be below 30 degrees outside but I had to ride with the windows down because of the multiple anxiety attacks I was having. I remember getting to the hospital to see our entire family in the waiting area as well as many of our friends. I remember trying to run away from it all, but Aunt Kay quickly finding me to comfort me. I remember acting like an idiot. Acting like it all wasn’t real and that this couldn’t be happening. I remember staying with Aunt Kay that night and having to ask her, “Is my Mom going to die?” And she had to tell me yes because she knew I needed to hear it from her. I remember Kelcey’s tear stained pillow case. I remember Christmas day visiting Mom and Dad in the Hospice Center at the hospital. I remember my Dad’s tenderness of his words as he talked to me and my Mom. I remember the way he gently caressed her face as he had me sing Jesus Loves Me to her. I’ve never seen love like that in any man’s eyes, the way my Dad looked at my Mom on that day.

I remember 3 days after Christmas. I remember working in the nursery at church that Sunday, December 28, 2008. I remember Aunt Kay coming in to get me and I knew. I knew as soon as she came in the door that Mom was gone. I remember walking to the foyer in front of the sanctuary and seeing my family in tears and my Dad walking up to us and saying, “She’s gone, girls. I love you so much.” I remember seeing my Uncle Steve in tears. I remember the blur of the hugs, the “I’m Sorry’s”, the “Whatever you need, let us know.” I remember the blur of the visitation and the funeral. I remember a lot of it.

This was 9 years ago, y’all. 9 years. There’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t miss her. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I would’ve said that I loved her more. But when November comes around, I think about 2008 a lot. I think about all that happened and I think about where I am now. I’m so thankful for the way that the Lord was present in that season, I wasn’t able to see it then, but I can now. When November comes around, I’m hit with many different emotions, I’m scared to enjoy it all too much, because things can be taken away in the blink of an eye. But when November rolls around, I try so hard to see the joy that everyone else seems to have. I’ve begun to see the joy because of Jesus. One of my Mom’s favorite hymns is, “It Is Well with My Soul”. I’ve begun to see and fell the joy when November rolls around because of the first verse in that song;

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is Well, It is Well with My Soul.”

These words ring true all the time, no matter the season, the heartache, or the joy, our souls are comforted because our comfort is in Christ. For the first time since 2008, I am happy to see November. I’m excited to see what this holiday season will bring, I may even listen to a Christmas song before Thanksgiving! While my feelings change all the time, Christ does not. Find your comfort and joy in that today.

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

1 Peter 1:8-9 ESV

 

*The picture at the top is of my sweet Momma and me at one of my birthday parties when I was young.