Finding You

I found you again, Mama, even though we lost you 10 years ago today. It took several years of heartache and searching, but slowly and without realizing it was happening, I found you again.

I found you again, Mama, in stories I’d never heard before, told by people who mean so much. I found hidden gems, stories of your unending faith, and memories from those who loved you.

I found you again, Mama, in your sisters smiles and the way they love their families. I see your boldness in Viv, your gentleness in Betsy, your kindness in Robin, and your love in Kay. I see you in all of them and I am comforted by that.

I found you again, Mama, in Kelcey and Keri. Without even realizing it, you prepared us for life without you. I see you in Kelcey’s determination and sentimentality. I see you in her smile, her bossiness, and fierce love for family. I see you in Keri and the way she cares for others. I see you in her laugh, her stubbornness, and her sweet love for kids. You may be gone, but I still find you in them.

I found you again, Mama, by loving on Josh’s kids the way you loved him. I’m no where near as good at caring and loving like you, but I’d do anything for little man and baby sis. I guarantee that you’d melt at watching Josh be a dad, well all of your nieces and nephews be parents and aunts and uncles. You’d love them even more, I know I do.

I found you again, Mama, in pranks you’d pull, traditions you began, and messes you’d get yourself into.

I found you in secret trips to get ears pierced, pink flamingos on porches, and bringing full on meals into the movies. In December 1st gifts, Christmas cookies, and clever holiday desserts.

I found you in painting on driveways with preschoolers, coloring on garage doors, and dancing in the rain. I found you in the smallest of moments that look insignificant from the outside but mean so much when you look in.

I found you, Mama, in little joys and big victories. I found you in unexpected hardships and sorrow, in hymns sung with tears rolling down my face, in loss of friends and joy in new faces. In every high and low, I find pieces of you again.

Losing you 10 years ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t even sure that we’d make it 10 years without you. There’s been a lot of hard things that have happened since you’ve been gone, some of the hardest have even been in the last 3 years. But with every heartbreak, there were reminders of your faith. In every weary day, there were reminders of the way you kept going on and hope renewed that we could too.

I miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your hugs, and the way you said my name. I miss your open mouth naps on the couch after school under the Pooh Bear blanket. I miss your frustration when we would do something wrong. I miss catching you and Dad hugging in the kitchen, no words, just the two of you being in each other’s arms.

10 years feels like a lifetime ago but also like it just happened yesterday. Thank you for all you taught us while you were here. Thank you for what you’re still teaching us through the people that you loved. Thank you for your strong and unending faith in Christ. I hope and pray I can have a faith like yours.

I miss you. I love you. Thank you for all that you were while you were here and that it lead me to find you again.